It's the "ssssssssssssh" disease. It's the disease Tom Cruise was making fun of..... but he certainly is no comedian. It's an invisible disease, unfortunately it doesn't cause any limbs to rot and fall off or anything so most people won't even know you are suffering from it. And to top it all of, it makes you into such a wonderful actress, putting on smiles and good humor for your surroundings, despite the fact that in your soul, there is no joy at all.
I had read about port partum depression (ppd) before, but of course, nobody ever expects it to happen to them. However, when after 2-3 months after having my daughter, I still didn't feel right, I started to analyze my symptoms more closely. Although I wasn't feeling suicidal, which is the extreme case of ppd, and I did love my daughter, there were other symptoms there that were clearly ppd related. However, I kept doubting myself, thinking "nah, this is normal" or "nah, I'm probably just imagining things".
To paint a picture, it felt like I was swimming underwater and I was unable to ever reach the surface to come up for air. It's like being in a fog of sorts. Crying for no reason. Having a very VERY short fuse. Having no energy to do much at all, and when it comes time to get up and do something, it takes almost an entire day to charge up the "battery" and it drains very fast. Looking into the future and seeing nothing positive. Basically all I'm seeing is a big brick wall of nothingness. And.... I am not feeling suicidal, HOWEVER ....... I can tell you that the thought of dieing, at my lowest point, was not as scary and devastating to me as it should have been. Humor - sure, it was there. On the outside. In reality, my emotions were just logical responses to what I was seeing or hearing. The logical side of me would tell me it was time to laugh because someone told a funny joke, and sure, I laugh.... on the outside. On the inside, not so much. Dead. I'm a walking zombie of myself.
I didn't even know where to start as far as treatment. Being "sick in the head" is not something you announce from the mountain tops. Except, it really should be. I finally worked up my nerve and called my ob/gyn. BEST call I EVER made. He put me on some medication, and then referred me to my family doctor for further treatment. My doctor added another medicine to my stash, and I was starting to feel better.
One big clue that I was starting to feel better was that I was actually getting hungry! Much like the laughter described above, eating food had also been a charade that I performed.... my body needed nutrition. So I ate. But I hadn't really felt hunger. So when I started feeling hungry again, I knew things were looking up.
Then.... it was return to work time. Guess what. PPD came slamming back, with force. Knocked me back almost all the way to the beginning. At first, I figured it was just a natural mother-baby separation anxiety, and I expected it to go away, but it didn't budge. Again with the self doubts.... "Am I really feeling this way or am I imagining it?" Again I had to talk myself into calling the doctor. You would've thought that after the relief I felt last time after having called them, I would jump at the chance to call again, but no. After all, I wanted to be better. But I wasn't. I was slipping backwards and the fog came back. It felt as if every time I was close to emerging from this fog, stress and work would knock me back down before I even had a chance to take a deep, clean breath of air. Again I was split into two people, without being schizophrenic, it was "logical me" who was kind of a puppetmaster for the "physical me" .... pulling my strings so that I could go through the day, do my job.... and I'm not sure how I did my job in my condition. I just did.
The scary part is the commute. I have a 45 minutes (or longer) commute and I would zone out somewhere and not "wake up" again until I was almost home. I shudder to think of the state of auto pilot I have been driving on, not only at work but IN TRAFFIC with other cars... on the freeway. Obviously I'm fine, I didn't get into any accidents. (That tells you a little something about how strong your psyche is, doesn't it?).
But this is freaky.
I went back to the doctor and he put me on sick leave. He also changed my medication and suggested counseling, something that I am considering now. I realize I may need some tools to deal with this, I can't figure it out on my own. And I don't want to get worse, I hate it here in the fog. I wanna see the blue skies again.
I said earlier that this is a disease that you don't go shouting from the mountain tops about, yet here I am, blogging away for the world to see.... both unknown people, as well as friends and family. Well ... first of all ... I'm hoping this post could reach women who may need this push, or this post, in order to figure out what they are suffering from (or that they ARE suffering in the first place...).... Also, I have to get over the stigma of having emotional problems. (In fact, this is a chemical/hormonal imbalance, not just psychological). I guess there is no better way to get over that stigma than to do exactly what I said I wouldn't do.... SHOUT from the mountain tops!
Depression is very, very serious. It's a medical condition, and there is nothing wrong with you. (or me). It's no fun at all. It's taking away good times that you can spend with your family in those early baby months.
So if you do recognize yourself here...... and you haven't dealt with it yet .... pick up the phone & contact your OB or your family doctor. They'll take it from there.
Happy Trails everybody.
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