Ok, so due to my PPD, I have been seeing a therapist and it's not as bad as anticipated. I mean, most people will rather die than call a therapist for help. God forbid word should get out that you're a lunatic.... Well, I hate to disappoint you, I'm not a lunatic, I'm a normal person who need some tools so I can *stay* normal and refrain from becoming a lunatic..... :-)
I received some assignments that were pretty eye opening. Analyzing my negative self thoughts and figure out how they affect my life, then trying to negate the negative thought with a positive one. I did the assignment, but I felt a lot of these negative thoughts needed more attention than simply being negated. They have been whirling around in my head ever since I put them down on paper, so why don't I start flushing them out here in my blog and see where I end up.
There were TWO assignments related to putting down negative thoughts, and there is ONE negative thought that is on top of both lists. Is that a coincidence? Probably not.
The negative thought that seems to be #1 is this one: I am boring / I am not interesting.
Ok, so this is completely false. I have a very unique life, I have a very interesting backstory, both culturally since I am from another country and actually moved to the USA as a grownup, and I also have an interesting story as to how I met my husband. In addition to that, there are plenty of things that are unique about me... I play the tuba. How many girls can say that? Only a handful, I know. I love big rigs, in fact, I have an active blog about big rigs. How many girls are interested in big rigs? Not many. I work in the IT field. Not many women work in the IT field, and although I personally don't find this very exciting, I know that a lot of IT guys do. Go figure. I love playing video games, RPGs, Xbox... you name it. Interesting to some people, boring to some... (hey, you can't please everybody).
I guess the key is.... nobody will know this about me unless I tell them. And why don't I tell them this to prove to them that I'm not boring? Because I don't like talking about myself a lot. Why don't I like talking about myself? Because in the past, I've strived very hard at remaining invisible...and blending in with the general crowd.
As a kid, I was bullied a lot. There was one point during my childhood where I was eager to raise my hand in class and talk about my weekend, but at some point this all stopped and I quit speaking out alltogether.
There was a point in my life where I decided that it would be better to remain invisible, rather than risking drawing attention to myself which would give someone a reason to bully me or tease me in any way.
And when I set out to do something, I do a thorough job. I'm not sure how well it worked for what it was intended for. Somehow the bullies seemed to find me after all. At the time I felt like a target, but as you grow up you come to realize that you're not their only target. They pick on everybody. Still, there are traces of that behavior that is affecting me today, and being invisible is still something I'm very good at doing.
I want to change. I really don't want to be invisible anymore. I want people know what an exciting person I am. I have to get over that hump and ignore those voices in my head that tell me I'm not interesting. I suppose I just have to yell loud enough to drown them out? Don't know.
It's hard to change on a dime. I'm not going to all of a sudden be a new person today. But I can start the alteration process. I guess with this blog, that is a step in the right direction, trying to realize why I behave the way I do.
I was considering making this journal private, but what the heck. If my thought process can help someone else, that would be cool. Others may see themselves and recognize themselves here... and heck, I need practice talking about myself anyway, so here it is! It's all about me!
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