Sunday, March 13, 2011

The average moviegoer's review: Battle: LA(ME)

Note: If you are planning on seeing this movie, be warned there may be some spoiler alerts.... although these are mainly my opinions on what I saw ....

Battle: LA

Ok, so here is how I imagine the idea for this movie was born:

Place: Local bar somewhere in Burbank
Time of day: 5 o'clock ... wait, make that 8pm .... I'm assuming this level of creativity requires a minimum of 3 (very) Happy Hours.
Main characters: some producers (P) and his loyal and hungry-for-success companions (C1, C2 etc)

P: Dude, it took me like 3 hours to drive down the 405 this morn.
C1: Yeah duuude! Cheers!
P: Man I hate LA sometimes.
C2: Yeah duuude! Cheers!
P: Sometimes I wish I could just blow LA to pieces so I'd have the entire freeway to myself.
C1 & C2: yeah dooooooh!! Cheers!!!
P: Oh wait! Movie idea! LA! On fire! Everywhere! Bombs going off! Freeways... oh man

*P grabs a beer stained napkin and starts scribbling*

C1: And you could have....like....some cool Marine dudes runnin' around, saving peeps!
C2: Yeah! And make sure they have cool guns!
P: "Marines....guns...." .... Lots of explosions! LOTS OF EXPLOSIONS!! We'll BLOW UP LA!! God I'm gonna be so famous!!!
C1: Hell yeah!!! Hey, maybe they could fight some local gang bangers....
P: No no no..... no .... nobody would pay millions....it's gotta be big, it's gotta be awesome.,.... it's gotta be ... *scribbles frenetically* ..... aliens *drool coming out the side of his mouth* ...
C2: Dude, don't forget some emotional crap.
P: Oh yeah, good thought... *scribbles* ... "Remember emotional crap" ... Chicks dig that stuff.
C1: And dead bodies dude! Lots of'em ....
P: Dead bodies... good one.  Hey, can I have another beer here? *snaps fingers* We're on a roll .....

Ahh..... my head hurts, I don't wanna spy in on these goofballs anymore. (Damnit, END SCENE already!)

So ... let's just point out a couple of things I had issues with during this movie....

*Sloooooow for an action movie. I mean.... come on. It's an ACTION movie. Stop following these guys around with a wobbly movie camera and get to the fun stuff!
*Emotional crap .... was exactly that . Crap. I get it... they threw in some scenes so we'd have an emotional connection with these marines but they failed miserably .... I could care less when people blew up in this movie.  Orphans, widows .... dead comrades. Sorry. I'm not a cold hearted bitch, these things would normally move me in a movie.... if done right.   Here.... they just seemed like fillers.
So.... it literally felt like the "emotional crap" was thrown in there as an afterthought.
(Not to mention these emotional plots were painstakingly obvious.... I could pretty much point out who was gonna die the very moment I saw them....)
*Big cool advanced alien dudes have the crappiest aim ever.  Ok so.... without giving away much... there's this "chase scene" (big exaggeration) where all these people are on a bus, chased by one of these mechs......  This mech seems to be hitting every single car on the street.... EXCEPT for the BIG BRIGHT ORANGE BUS that's sitting SMACK DAB in the middle of the street.   Ok .... so maybe these advanced cool critters are color blind or something.... maybe something is wrong with their vision so they can't see buses.
*Big cool advanced dudes can be taken down with a 9mm.  I mean.... the fact that they could take them down with those machine guns in the first place was a little out there, but ok, I could live with it... but...uhm.... what's up with the pistol.... "Bang, bang..... you're dead...."
*Main Character.... Aaron Eckhart.... normally a good actor that I like very much... in this movie, he was very very wrong. I couldn't find any sympathy in my heart for this character at all.  I get it, he's a "rough around the edges but soft heart" kinda dude.... They really needed someone with a slightly rougher edge to play this role.... Like Mickey Rourke. I think he would've been awesome.
*Funny coincidence.... one of the VERY FEW survivors happens to be a vet ... (veterinarian, not veteran) .... and that HAPPENS to come in very handy .... man.... The gods were smiling down on these guys when they found this veterinarian.... they would still be sitting there, shooting at the wrong alien body parts!
*Where were all the cool movie graphic scenes????? Based on the previews, I expected more.
*Why would anybody run up to an alien (that they know nothing about) ... when said alien is spewing fluids from hoses and limbs, their surroundings are completely engulfed in flames.... uh .... dude.... what if those fluids were gasoline or other explosive chemicals?  Not a smart move.
I'm starting to wonder how this guy managed to stay alive this long in his career.
*Also .... I didn't like the way they portrayed the Marines.  I have the deepest, most profound for Marines and any armed forces of the USA.  But in this movie, they seemed like machines more than human beings, and were portrayed as if it was their duty to go out there and die.  I guess this was partially to blame on the lack of emotional attachment to any of them .... the "emotional crap" failure... but it seemed more like "machines vs machines" rather than "humans vs aliens" (or mechs or whatever you want to call them).
*Where did those missiles in the end come from?  Did MacGyver create those from scratch during the couple of hours that went by between 19:30, when the bombs were supposed to be dropped, and the end of the movie?   And if it was NOT MacGyver who stepped in with his rubber bands and needle & thread capabilities..... and they infact already had those missiles.... why didn't they fire those at 19:30 hours?

I could say a lot more but I can't bare reliving anymore of this movie in my head right now.

Go back to the bar you came from, and for god's sake P... next time, throw away that napkin!

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