The problem with making friends

I have a few very good friends, and then I have a lot of them that I intentionally keep at an arm's length.
In fact, it can take people years to penetrate that fortress that is walling off my heart.

I like to blame it on my heritage.  Being Norwegian, I am from a "tribe" of people that is fairly cold and unfriendly and very difficult to get to know.  This IS true. My husband especially noticed it when we visited Norway a couple of times, that most Norwegians keep their distance and are difficult to get to know... unless they've had a couple of drinks.  I guess that's why pubs are such a popular past time activity in Norway.  It's how we work up the courage to socialize!

BUT.... I can't put all the blame on my Norwegian heritage. I really can't. I have to own up to some of this myself.  Although identifying that Norwegians are in general like that is a nice step for me, because it means I'm aware of it and if I choose to do so, I can probably work on this and make it less of a factor.
"If I choose to do so" is the key sentence here.

When I was 12, my parents uprooted my entire family and we moved from the West Coast of Norway to the eastern part of Norway. I know most of you Americans think that could only be a 30 minute drive, but no, it's a lot longer than that.  More like a couple of days' drive (unless you don't plan on sleeping the entire time.... then you can probably make it in 12 hours or so...).
So there I was, twelve years old, leaving all my friends and everything I'd ever known, heading into a new school, a new place.... not knowing a soul.   The thing about Norway is.... very few people move.   Most people stay in one spot for generations.... so kids grow up with family, they grow up with friends of their families.... in short, they don't really need anybody new to come in.  It's really difficult to break in to any type of a friends group.  Sure, I made friends but they always had somebody that were closer, somebody that they'd hung out with from the time they were babies, so I always felt like the outsider and the 3rd wheel.  After a few years, I did make a couple of good friends that I hung out with and that I consider my best friends. 

Then.... college time. In Norway there are only 4 universities, so if a person wants to go to college, you pretty much have to move. Again. Now.... I was HAPPY to get out of the city we moved to when I was 12.  I had never really thrived there, I just went through the motions to get done with school and at first chance, I was out of there. (I should mention that at 17 I went to the US for 1 year....and LOVED it. I made a lot of good friends there.... and although I did my very very best to stay in touch with them, those ties eventually wore down because I've discovered that most people aren't as eager or as good as keeping in touch as I am. Or as I used to be.... I think I eventually gave up on trying to staying in touch with people.... What's the point, if nobody ever writes back in return?)

Anyway, I went to college.  8 hours away by train. So obviously I moved out and away.  At this point, I had already given up on making good friends.  My theory was that they'll all go away again at some point, so why bother opening up to people in the first place.   So I was social. And I did make a lot of friends.  But only on the outside. I did have a couple of boyfriends, both ended with breakups, one actually cheated on me so if that doesn't totally blow the concept of being close with somebody straight out of the water, I don't know what does. 

Then I met my husband. Online. For some reason, I eventually let him into my heart. Maybe it was because I thought since he was so far away (in California), nothing would ever happen and we'd never be friends in real life.... so I didn't see any danger in opening up to him, I didn't see it as making a true friend.... And guess what, I ended up marrying the guy and 13 years later, we're having a wonderful marriage, and he knows everything about me.

Moving to California though.... once again I broke ties... not only with friends this time, but with family too.  It was by choice.  My last moves had been by choice. But at this point, my friends theory had pretty much been confirmed in my mind..... all friends separate eventually .... so what's the point of making any?
For every friend I make that ends up moving away.... it reconfirms my theory.  So for each friend that moves away, I become less likely to make any new ones. 

There have been plenty of opportunities for me to make friends here, but I've been standoffish and I know it.  People WANT to make friends with me, but I'm not letting them be my friends.
On the flip side, I'm a really good friend to others.  They let ME in, and I never violate this privilege. I'm generous, I always remember birthdays and special days. I'm always there if they need to talk about things, and I never EVER pass any confessions or private information along, not even to my husband, with whom I pretty much share everything.  I'm genuinely a good friend to other people.  But I don't let anybody be a good friend to me.

So...what the hell? I don't deserve good friends? I think I do?

With the self analysis I've made here, and posted, I think I can maybe fix this. I need to somehow change my thinking regarding separating from friends.  It can't possibly be healthy going through life not making friends because I "know" they will eventually disappear.  Is there any way I can focus on the value of their friendship while they are HERE? So that if they do end up moving away.... I'll have the good memories, but not focus so much on the disappearance of the friend.

I need to work on this. I really do.  And to friends who read this .... feel free to help me along the way.  Especially now that i'm open to it.

Depression - The Invisible Disease

I'm having some conflicts with work.  I'm about to return from my leave.  My depression is still here, but it's being dealt with.  I'm not going into specifics regarding the conflict, but all in all, I feel that I'm not being taken seriously.  Is there anybody out there with depression who feels that way too?
I mean, I don't have a big fancy scar to show off.... I don't have any broken bones or a body cast.
(I think a body cast would be most appropriate for depression... it pretty much affects your whole body from top to toe....).  It's all on the inside.  I feel like because it's not visible, it leaves people in a state of disbelief, they don't quite grasp the concept that I'm actually sick.  It's frustrating.  What do I have to do, start injuring myself to prove a point?  Is this where people start cutting themselves? So that their problems can be show on the outside and maybe THEN someone will believe that there is a problem? (Don't worry, I won't go that far....)

At first, I had problems grasping it myself, that this actually is a disease. I felt like a phoney in the beginning too, because I didn't feel sick in a way that I'm used to... i.e no fever, no stomach pains (well, nerves but nothing else), no sore throat.... The usual "sick" symptoms were missing. 
It finally sunk in when my doctor sat down, looked me in the eyes and said: "Depression is a serious disease. There is nothing you can do. It's hormonal, it will pass but you're not crazy."
I even broke out in tears in his office at this statement, I guess I realized it myself that I may have suspected that I was a little nutty... or maybe I released some of that guilt I've been feeling for being sick. Or rather for NOT feeling physically sick.... getting the confirmation that "Yes, you are sick" from the doctor was a relief of sorts.

So... is it unrealistic of me to expect others to take it seriously, when it took me this long?  I think yes.... especially in a professional environment where they have my doctor's notes to verify that yes, I'm not well.
Again.... it comes back to no physical injuries. I feel it's unfair.  But hey.  That's life.

I'm dealing with it.

Negative Thoughts - "I'm Boring"

Ok, so due to my PPD, I have been seeing a therapist and it's not as bad as anticipated.  I mean, most people will rather die than call a therapist for help.  God forbid word should get out that you're a lunatic....  Well, I hate to disappoint you, I'm not a lunatic, I'm a normal person who need some tools so I can *stay* normal and refrain from becoming a lunatic..... :-)

I received some assignments that were pretty eye opening.  Analyzing my negative self thoughts and figure out how they affect my life, then trying to negate the negative thought with a positive one.  I did the assignment, but I felt a lot of these negative thoughts needed more attention than simply being negated.  They have been whirling around in my head ever since I put them down on paper, so why don't I start flushing them out here in my blog and see where I end up.

There were TWO assignments related to putting down negative thoughts, and there is ONE negative thought that is on top of both lists. Is that a coincidence? Probably not.

The negative thought that seems to be #1 is this one: I am boring / I am not interesting.

Ok, so this is completely false. I have a very unique life, I have a very interesting backstory, both culturally since I am from another country and actually moved to the USA as a grownup, and I also have an interesting story as to how I met my husband.  In addition to that, there are plenty of things that are unique about me... I play the tuba.  How many girls can say that?  Only a handful, I know.  I love big rigs, in fact, I have an active blog about big rigs.  How many girls are interested in big rigs? Not many.  I work in the IT field.  Not many women work in the IT field, and although I personally don't find this very exciting, I know that a lot of IT guys do.  Go figure.  I love playing video games, RPGs, Xbox... you name it. Interesting to some people, boring to some... (hey, you can't please everybody).

I guess the key is.... nobody will know this about me unless I tell them. And why don't I tell them this to prove to them that I'm not boring?  Because I don't like talking about myself a lot.   Why don't I like talking about myself? Because in the past, I've strived very hard at remaining invisible...and blending in with the general crowd. 

As a kid, I was bullied a lot. There was one point during my childhood where I was eager to raise my hand in class and talk about my weekend, but at some point this all stopped and I quit speaking out alltogether.
There was a point in my life where I decided that it would be better to remain invisible, rather than risking drawing attention to myself which would give someone a reason to bully me or tease me in any way.
And when I set out to do something, I do a thorough job.  I'm not sure how well it worked for what it was intended for.  Somehow the bullies seemed to find me after all.  At the time I felt like a target, but as you grow up you come to realize that you're not their only target.  They pick on everybody.  Still, there are traces of that behavior that is affecting me today, and being invisible is still something I'm very good at doing.

I want to change. I really don't want to be invisible anymore.  I want people know what an exciting person I am. I have to get over that hump and ignore those voices in my head that tell me I'm not interesting. I suppose I just have to yell loud enough to drown them out?  Don't know. 
It's hard to change on a dime. I'm not going to all of a sudden be a new person today. But I can start the alteration process.  I guess with this blog, that is a step in the right direction, trying to realize why I behave the way I do.

I was considering making this journal private, but what the heck.  If my thought process can help someone else, that would be cool.  Others may see themselves and recognize themselves here... and heck, I need practice talking about myself anyway, so here it is!  It's all about me!